


Ite In Partem Atram... Crustula Enim Habēmus

by Icka M Chif (mischif)



Series: Carpe Aestatem (Seize the Summer) [3]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Best Friends, Cookies, Fluff, Friendship, Future Fic, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-30
Updated: 2011-10-30
Packaged: 2017-10-25 02:52:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/270936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mischif/pseuds/Icka%20M%20Chif
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ite In Partem Atram... Crustula Enim Habēmus - '<i>Come to the Dark Side.... We have Cookies. </i>'</p><p>Girl's Night at the Flynn-Johnson household. Vanessa meets Stacy, Amanda sleeps through everything, Candace chases Phineas, Perry's been a naughty platypus, and villainous backroom political deals are made.<br/>Oh, and there are cookies.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ite In Partem Atram... Crustula Enim Habēmus

**Author's Note:**

>   
> 
> 
> **Ite In Partem Atram... Crustula Enim Habēmus.**  
>  _Come to the Dark Side.... We have Cookies._  
> 

"... Did you just say that your Step-Mom is a _Platypus_?!" Stacy echoed, giving Vanessa a strange look.

Vanessa nodded and rolled her eyes. "Trust me. I know how it sounds." She muttered, biting into one of the warm gooey chocolate chip cookies that Candace had just pulled out of the oven. "Oh, wow! These are good." She exclaimed, reaching for another one.

Only to have her hand slapped away by Stacy. "Oh, no you don't." Stacy pointed a finger at Vanessa. "No more cookies until you explain that Platypus comment." Stacy declared.

Vanessa sighed as Candace laughed. "Guess I forgot to mention it." Candace commented, putting another tray into the oven. "Vanessa's Dad is an Evil Scientist bent on taking over the Tri-State area."

Stacy glanced back and forth between them. "You're kidding me." Stacy was going to college out of state, so she wasn't usually present for what had become Candace and Vanessa's bi-weekly Girl's Nights.

Vanessa wasn't sure about hanging out with someone who was... Well, 'normal'. But if Stacy had survived growing up with Candace trying to bust her brothers, Vanessa figured she give the other girl a try. It wasn't like there were a lot of women Vanessa's age in the 'Evil Genius' community to hang out with.

"Nope." Vanessa deadpanned, finishing off her cookie.

"Remembered how I used to be all about busting my brothers?" Candace closed the oven and pulled off the oven mitts. "That was Vanessa and her Dad. We kind of bonded over it."

"Wow." Stacy looked over at Vanessa with an admiring look. "And here I thought you were completely normal. Aside from the all black goth thing. Although I must say, black is a great colour on you."

"Thanks!" Vanessa smiled, grabbing a couple of cookies before Stacy could stop her. "Eventually I figured if I couldn't bust him, I'd join him. Being evil is _so_ much more fun anyway."

Stacy shuffled backwards. "... Really?" She squeaked nervously.

Candace laughed. "Stacy, relax."

"I promise I left my Photonic Disintegrator at home." Vanessa couldn't help but to add. "There's a strict 'No Weapons' policy in the Flynn-Fletcher-Johnson household."

"Darn right." Candace growled, shaking an oven mitt at Vanessa before grabbing one of the cookies and viciously shoving it in her mouth.

"Oh, kay...." Stacy drawled. "So you're evil. That's a new one."

"For a given definition of 'evil'." Vanessa admitted with a shrug. "Take my Dad for instance. He gets addicted to a Mexican Soap Opera, and there's a giant story climax coming up, but the show gets pre-empted by a soccer game. So what does he do?"

"... Blow the stadium up?" Stacy ventured.

"Now see, that's what you'd _think_ an Evil Scientist would do." Vanessa smirked. "But no. He builds a device to rain out the game out they air his show instead."

Stacy stared at Vanessa, obviously having trouble following the train of thought. "That makes no sense."

"Exactly." Vanessa grinned. That was the best part of being evil. It didn’t _have_ to make sense. And her Dad was a Master of Confusion. Usually not on purpose, but still a Master.

Stacy thought it over as Vanessa and Candace exchanged an amused look. They'd had a talk about this before Vanessa had joined 'Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated'. Vanessa felt kind of bad for not letting Candace in on the fact that she wasn't really evil, but she wasn't willing to put Candace, her husband or daughter in any more danger than necessary.

The fact that Candace was still her friend after Vanessa had become professionally evil still amazed her.

"So... You're not like 'Evil-Evil', trying to destroy or take over the world." Stacy concluded. "But more along the lines of 'Petty-Evil', minor defiant acts of evil."

"Pretty much." Vanessa nodded. "Dad says he's trying to take over the Tri-State area, but if that ever happens, I'll eat my shoes without ketchup."

Stacy's gaze flickered down to Vanessa's black high-heeled leather boots, then back up. "That still doesn't explain the Platypus thing."

"Dad's Nemesis is a Platypus, who stops him before his inventions get anywhere." Vanessa shrugged. "I know it makes no sense. Just go with it."

One of Stacy's eyebrows quirked upwards as she crossed her arms over her chest. "Okay. So the Nemesis is a Platypus, which REALLY doesn't make any sense, but I don't get the Nemesis to Step-Mom connection."

"Well, they've been fighting since I was a little girl, and after a while we just kinda got used to each other." Vanessa shrugged. "For the most part, he keeps Dad happy and out of trouble." He also did little stuff, like offer her a handkerchief and make her smile when she was a little girl and broken up over her parents divorce.

He'd also been there when a couple of up-and-coming new members of L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N. thought that because she was evil meant that she was also a slut. While she could have taken of the problem by herself, it was nice to have some back-up. She had a feeling that Perry might have done some after-hours terrorizing of the guys, due to the way they flinched whenever the phrase 'Platypus' was uttered.

"Okay, first off, Human and Platypus? _Ew._ " Stacy made a face that had Vanessa snickering. Not what she had meant, but whatever. People thought whatever they were going to think, and her Dad and Perry had a very... **special** relationship.

"It's going to take some industrial strength brain bleach to get THAT image out of my head, thank you very much." Stacy shook her head. "And second off, still not buying the whole 'Secret Agent' thing. Like I said, I've met platypus before. They really don't do much."

Vanessa just laughed.

Before she could explain further, they were distracted by a bright flash of light from the other room. "PHINEAS!!!" Candace roared. "FERB! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELEPORT DIRECTLY INTO THE HOUSE?! YOU'RE GOING TO WAKE AMANDA UP!"

.... It was a good thing Amanda could sleep through just about anything, Vanessa mused. Especially her Mother. Candace had mellowed some from when they'd first met years ago, but she still had quite the set of lungs on her.

"Sorry, Candace." Phineas apologised, stepping into the kitchen, Ferb silently following, carrying a teal platypus against one shoulder. "Perry got into a fight with a dog or something so we didn’t want to leave him by himself at home, but since he's hurt, we didn't want to jostle him on the roads either."

"Perry's hurt?" Candace's ire evaporated almost immediately as she stepped around the kitchen island to inspect the cradled platypus.

"Mostly bruises." Phineas assured his sister. "He should heal up just fine. He may not act like it, but he's old for a platypus. So we're just keeping a close eye on him."

"Yeah, I guess he is." Candace mused, petting the platypus' head and getting a chirr in response. "You've had him for... Wow. What, twelve or so years now? He still doesn't look that old."

"That's cause you guys take such great care of him." Stacy smiled. "Hi, guys."

"Hi Stacy!" Phineas moved to the side to wave at the dark-haired girl, giving Vanessa her first clear look the platypus. "How's college?"

For a moment, she thought it must have been another platypus named Perry. Then she saw the large dark almost question mark shaped bruises on the tail. Her gaze traveled from the tail to the platypus' face. Perry, Agent P's, sharp eyes stared at her in surprise and alarm before going stupid and vacant.

Ferb's pet platypus Perry was her father's Perry the Platypus.

"Full of books." Stacy deadpanned and Phineas laughed, pulling Vanessa out of her staring.

Vanessa glanced around, then closed her mouth with a snap. If the O.W.C.A. found out that she knew who Agent P's host family was, they'd transfer him away, reassign him to a different villain.

She couldn't allow that to happen. It'd crush both Dad and Ferb if Perry disappeared.

Ferb noticed her, eyes widening in surprise and pleasure. She laughed in return, walking up to him.

"Heya, Ferb." She greeted him, wrapping an arm around his waist and kissing his cheek. His eyes lit up in quiet delight and turned his head to the side to kiss her cheek in greeting. She smiled, leaning against his tall solid frame, resting her head against his shoulder. He always smelled good, like motor oil and something distinctly masculine.

It was a pity things didn't work out better between them. He was a great guy, one of her best friends and she wished the best for him. But her work came first, and she was fortunate enough that he understood that.

Phineas made sort of a choked off noise that made Ferb jerk in his brother's direction. "Sorry! Sorry!" Phineas laughed, but it was high and even Vanessa could tell it wasn't like his normal laughter. "Just suddenly understood Ferb's train of thought from a few weeks ago." Phineas said, limbs shuffling nervously.

"Mom said the two of you were having some sort of fight." Candace scowled, putting her hands on her hips. "That really isn't like you."

"It was a misunderstanding." Ferb said gravely, giving her a squeeze before releasing her and walking over to Phineas. He passed Perry over to his smaller brother, who cradled the platypus to his chest. Something, a silent form of communication passed between the two siblings, before Phineas nodded. Ferb smiled in return, giving his brother a quick half-hug, brushing a kiss on the top of Phineas' head, much like he had done to her.

Phineas laughed, free and easy, pushing his brother away. "Mother Hen." He scolded, grinning at Ferb. "Alright. We did have a reason for intruding upon your sacred Girl's Night, needed to install a quick security upgrade and update on the computers connected to our mainframe. I'm going to go get started on it."

"Wait." Candace's eyes narrowed as she stared at her little brother. "Which computer in this house is connected to your mainframe?"

"Um." Phineas scratched his chin. "All of them? And your cellphones."

"PHINEAS!" Candace snapped and Phineas took off running down the hall.

"It'll be really quick! I swear!" He shouted behind him as Candace marched out of the kitchen. It wasn't a huge surprise, given that Candace had just been griping minutes before that she sometimes missed chasing after her brothers.

"I thought she gave up trying to bust them when they turned 14 and she got married." Stacy commented, grabbing a cookie. "Something about them being old enough to bust themselves. This a new development?"

"Sort of." Vanessa shrugged. "She was worried about not being able to get rid of the baby fat, so Phineas came up with an idea for cardio."

"Chase the brother?"

"Chase the brother."

"Huh. Guess you miss a lot when you just talk on the phone every day instead of seeing them face to face." Stacy mused, munching on a cookie as she watched the Flynn siblings chase each other around the house. "She looks great, by the way. Is she still annoyed that Amanda took her first steps both crawling and walking towards Perry instead of her?"

"Totally." Vanessa verified.

"Figures." Stacy shook her head. "I'm going to take this as an excuse for a bathroom break. Be right back." She waved, stepping out into the hall, avoiding the siblings with an air of long practise.

Vanessa stepped next to Ferb again, resting a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. "You guys had a fight?" She repeated. They'd had lunch together not that long ago and he hadn't mentioned it.

"I thought Phineas would be happier spending time with a girlfriend rather than me." Ferb said quietly. There was a dark shadow of guilt and worry in his eyes if you knew where to look. "I was wrong."

"Guess you guys aren't destined to date." She said sympathetically. First her and Ferb, then Phineas and... that dark haired girl he'd paired off with in Paris.

Ferb shrugged in return, apparently at ease with the situation.

"Need a word." She said quietly, and he wrapped his arm around her waist, leaning down slightly. She still had to stand on her toes to whisper into his ear comfortably, but that was alright. "Your Perry and mine are the same."

He pulled back slightly, eyebrows rising in surprise before leaning down again. "The bruises on his tail? Match my boots."

Ferb glanced down at her feet, then up at her face, a frown on his face.

She shook her head. "He popped out of the linen closet in the bathroom as I was getting ready to take a shower, and I accidentally stepped on his tail as we both panicked and flailed around. Dad chased him out of headquarters with a broom, screaming about besmirching my honour. It's probably a good idea if he lays low for a few days to allow Dad to cool down."

This time there was a question in his eyes and she rolled hers. "I had just finished unbuttoning my top, he didn't see anything more than a flash of my bra. Sheesh."

Ferb paused, then nodded as if pleased that she hadn't corrupted his platypus.

She let out an exaggerated sigh, stepping away. He winked at her letting her know he was teasing her and she smiled in return.

Phineas ran by, Perry over one shoulder. "Ferb! A little help here!" He shouted breathlessly, dashing through the kitchen, Candace on his heels. The red-headed siblings looked like they were seconds away from breaking down in giggles.

Ferb gave a snappy salute and followed after his siblings. Vanessa laughed softly as she shook her head. The entire family was insane. Lovely, but insane.

She could smell cookies and glanced over at the timer, discovering that the next batch was just about ready to come out of the oven. She walked over and grabbed the oven mitts, pulling the cookies out seconds before the timer went off, setting them on top of the stove.

"Did I miss anything?" Stacy asked, walking back inside the kitchen.

"Not really. Phineas is keeping Candace busy while Ferb does the upgrades." Vanessa filled her in.

"Divide and conquer. Good plan." Stacy grinned, pulling the milk out of the refrigerator and pouring herself a glass. "You want one?"

"Please." Vanessa grinned. "So what did you say you were majoring in again?"

"Poli-Sci." Stacy passed her a glass of milk. "I know it sounds like a fluff major, but I'd really like to make a difference, and while grassroots organisations are making a difference in the government again, some of the changes are only going to happen from the top down, at the legislative level. So here I am. It's quite fascinating, really. Like being plugged into the best High School gossip ever. Same maturity level sometimes too."

"If you say so." Vanessa shook her head. "It's all a bit above my head." In her circles, people were more likely to literally shoot you in the back with a disintergrator than use words to do it.

"Huh." Stacy made a thoughtful sound as she put the milk back. "So. Got any openings in your quasi-evil organisation for future leaders of the world?"

Vanessa thought about it. It _would_ be pretty evil to take over another villain's territory and put your own puppet dictatorship in their place. And Stacy seemed like the type of person who would do her best for others, trying to make life better anyone under her. Which would be good.

Doing good by doing evil. Perfect.

Phineas and Candace made another lap, this time Candace carrying Perry tucked against her side like she would carry Amanda. Perry looked comfortable, but confused.

"... Possibly." Vanessa drawled, dipping a cookie into the milk and taking a quick bite. "How do you feel about being Queen of your own country?"

Stacy mused it over. "Give me a few years to graduate and see what I can do for _this_ country, and we'll talk."

Vanessa grinned, holding out her hand. Stacy gave her a searching look, then hesitantly took it. "Deal." Vanessa declared triumphantly.

One of Stacy's eyebrows rose. "Does this mean I'm not even out of college yet and have done my first backroom under the table negotiation?"

"Possibly." Vanessa agreed, feeling smug.

"Wow." Stacy's other eyebrow joined the first. "You're _good_ at this evil thing."

"I try." Vanessa offered a warm cookie, fresh off the tray. "Cookie?"

"Thanks!"

-fin-


End file.
